Denley Joseph. Born sleeping December 14, 2014
These are the thoughts I look at now, as my future self.
If we live in fear of what "might" happen everyday we will never move forward. Living in the what-ifs will keep us focused on the past, keeping us safe within our fears.
You can never fully prepare for anything. I understand.
What I really want to know most is:
Why is baby loss rarely talked of. Why is it kept so quiet. Why do we give permission to talk about it in October. Why don't we speak of our experiences for others to understand or relate to at any time of the year?
My experiences may not be the same as some, but this is what I know.
I never knew....
The weight of the what-ifs would be excruciating.
The weight of emotions would be heavy.
The things people would say.
The blur of it all.
Waking up from surgery not knowing your child wont be alive in your arms.
Your husband is everything.
Holding your babe wouldn't be forever.
Saying your goodbyes early because you dont want them to be left in the fridge.
A rose on your door at the hospital means baby loss
Arranging a mortar to come get your child.
Coming home to an empty crib and a big sister who doesn't quite understand.
Sitting for hours at a funeral home just after being released from the hospital.
Hugging everyone in pain at the funeral because your breasts were so enlarged and not knowing that donating milk was a thing.
Walking through the pain of two miscarriages after having a beautiful daughter.
So many more unanswered questions.
What I do know is Grief comes in waves.
No one ever told me my healing would make me so much stronger.
*****
If you are still with me I leave you on what I do know now.
That a lot of GREAT things came from it.
No one ever told me that
I would truly find God.
My husband is my rock, forever and ever. amen.
The support was more than I could ever imagine
The things people said.
Embracing every God given hug even though your breasts were about to explode.
Healing is found in hugs.
Our family who showed up to hold and love on that babe as much as we all could, in the time that we had.
Pictures last a lifetime.
Children who begin to understand more about heaven and where our true home is.
However you are feeling each and every day from that moment on is ok.
No one ever told me that my growth would be the reason I am able to write this.
No one ever told me that I would change as a person in ways I didn't know were possible.
Everyday is one day closer to meeting our babes.
My prayer is that if you ever have to go through a loss I hope you reach out. That you find peace knowing someone will listen, that someone will understand.
Shantel
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