Miscarriage

I am one and four.

One and four women will have a miscarriage.

About 2% of those women will have more than one.

Did I ever believe I would be one of those women? Not at all. I had three pregnancy's no problems conceiving, or carrying.

Little did I know... that it is possible even after 3 births. 

 Felt uninformed, oblivious, and blind by the true information that is out there about how common it is. 

We lost a baby at 35 weeks. He was born still. We went through the hurt, the loss, everything else that comes along with not  bringing your child home. See my post here

We had a beautiful rainbow baby girl 11 months later. She was and is perfect. Yet we knew we were longing to raise more children in this world. 

While building our dreams in a house we prolonged trying for a baby soon after our daughter was born.

We moved into our house on June 20th 2019 and were pregnant by the end of July.

What an exciting time to read a positive pregnancy test!! Telling your families, wearing the cute Big Sister shirts and holding up our famous little chalk board sign that told my entire family! 

As we all know God certainly has other plans for us that sometimes we can't see, or understand.

We were just two days away from our first 12 week appointment and telling the world (on social media)

We got the news that there was no heart beat.

wow.  Hit me like a ton of bricks. big.

What doctors and women don't tell you is the physical pain, the emotional pain, the how do you know if you pass the embryo, the what do you do with it when you pass it, and all the other things that come along with having a miscarriage is really all kept in the dark. And WHY?
Actually, it freaking sucks to be in the dark about it... and let me tell you if I hadn't reached out to friends that had been through it I would've never known. It was my community, my tribe that pulled through for me by simply sharing their experiences. Heck, I didn't know half of them had ever been through it.
It so common, yet so not talked about. Can we start to make this more "normal" more talked about and not hidden.

So we buried that babe in our back yard. (with no name) and all too often I think of them. 

Fast forward to July of 2020 11 weeks in to another positive pregnancy test, and it was the same signs, symptoms and time frame as the last sweet babe, with high hopes we push through a few days and realized this babe will too be in the backyard. Again not talked about, not thought about, not even existent in other people eyes. 

Knowing God has greater plans is all I can live off of, and this is where I start to spread the word of "normalcy" in miscarriages.

Then there was positive test number 3 in Nov 2020. I didn't know whether to be excited or happy or sad or scared. All the emotions have come out, and I still don't know. All I do know is I need to give those things to God. every single one of them. I have no more controls over anything that may or may not happen. 

Praying for what is to come, what is set for our future.